Ho Chi Minh

In Hanoi a dead man is guarded by 25 stern young men wearing fluorescent green uniforms trimmed with red and gold. Their uniforms  fit their bodies like potato sacks held tight with leather belts- complete with dangling shiny black leather holsters. Ho Chi Minh is dead and lays there glowing orange and waxy in a rectangular glass case, blanket pulled up over his abdomen to keep away the chill of the grave. He doesn’t look real,  his signature beard looks pasted on. Is this man an impostor?

The mausoleum is old fashioned doubtless modernism, a gloomier version of the  Empire State Building lobby, all streaked marble and lines. Of course why would you built a doubt filled mausoleum for a great communist war hero? It’s really all too strange and surreal  to summon much reverence for this amazing 20th century figure here , he was heroic after all. Now he resides in a scene from a wonderful science fiction movie: Painfully serious  men in tacky green and white uniforms, a back lit clean marble room and an orange, dead god glowing beyond death in a glass case. Will he be here 500 years from now? Will he be moved to Detroit after some bizarre flux in civilizations? Shot into space maybe? The mausoleum room  is spacious and dark, gloomy enough for a dead person but impressive enough to know that the Vietnamese communists wanted this important man to live on. So, there Ho lies, half dead and half alive in front of two huge hammer and sickle flags.

Children file by, tourists, old communists, people wearing stupid t-shirts. Somehow we’ve all figured out how to make it through the disorganized and unhelpful maze of “No Entry” signs and sidewalks to nowhere surrounding the Ho complex and finally hand over our cameras and cell phones to gain entry to the dead man’s lair. I approached the mausoleum from the north and was shuttled around Ho’s complex by shooing hands for 40 minutes before risking it, breaking rank and sneaking into a line headed in the direction of the mausoleum. To bum rush the mausoleum it really took timing, risk and an annoyed and tired desperation-key ingredients to getting anything out of travel. I was exhausted, tired, saw a line moving, a security guard get distracted and quickly filed behind an American in USC Trojan gear, his Vietnamese wife and  their slow moving child, I imagined we formed a phalanx. What do children think when they see an old sleeping man in a glass case, in a big room with red flags and army men dressed in day-glow colors?

-Ames

Random Thoughts #19

I’ve occasionally been impressed by my ability to guesstimate what time it is.

When was the last time your chewed any Gator Aid gum?

I think a big presidential election night might be a good night to commit a crime.

I’ll bet there’s not a scientific analysis that determines how many parking lots should be put in front of a shopping plaza. It’s probably something contractors and builders think about a little bit before deciding to wing it.

Ever thought about getting your finger nails done?

It could be that Thanksgiving day is the day when most Heimlich maneuvers are performed.

Please help ban questionable products

Please pass this letter on to your government representatives!

Dear Senator,
I was recently shopping at a local retail outlet when I came across a product for sale that gave me pause. Frankly, I was shocked to see this product for sale at our local shopping mall, a mall frequented by Americans of many ages and ethnic backgrounds. The product I am writing to you about is called ‘Fart Powder’.

I have never bought, used or seen ‘Fart Powder’ in use but it is my understanding that the intended use of this product begins by one individual surreptitiously adding the powder to the food or drink of another. After a period of time the person digesting the powder has a gastronomical reaction, farting, the result of which is intended to be humorous to the person or persons stealthy adding the ‘Fart Powder’ to the food or beverage of the intended recipient.

The retail workers where I was shopping, even the manager, were unaware of the ingredients of ‘Fart Powder’ or how it actually caused the gastronomical reaction to occur. They also seemed quite dismissive of my concerns about the product. I will tell you what I told them: This product shows a total disregarded for the health and safety of others and also encourages and teaches people how to poison each other. It actually teaches us that poisoning friends and family is somehow funny.

I hope that you will have more of an understanding than the people at the establishment called ‘Spencer’s Gifts’. And I also hope that you can appreciate my desire not to live in a country that disregards the health of others and also promotes freely available poisoning products. It is for these reasons that I intend to start a non-profit organization to ban the sale of ‘Fart Powder’. I know the economy is bad and that ‘Fart Powder’ factory workers may lose their jobs, but I think that health and safety and promoting a non-poisoning community is more important.

Thank you,

Matt Ames

Random Thoughts #17

There’s probably some great history of liquor I know nothing about.

There should be a cocktail napkin philosophy museum.

Headline: Manhole Cover Collector Also World Wrestling Champ!

There’s always some talking baby to suck you back into the meaningless vortex of the late capitalist universe.
Children laugh when dogs enter school buildings and when the over head projector misses the screen.

Bad word: Nonissue

Stupid company meeting begins with the song “These are the Days.”

Company man stresses the “AH” moment we need to strive for.

Is there a culture that made really crummy potery?

Script for: How to be Polite

How to be Polite
How not to be polite: Act 1
POP: Excuse do you have the time?
Matt: What?
POP: Do you have the time?
Matt: That’s a weird accent. Where you from?
POP: Africa
Matt: Never heard of it.
POP: Do you have the time?
Matt: Yeah I guess…11am.
POP: Thank you
Matt: Whatever.

How to be polite: Act 2
POP: Excuse me, do you have the time?
Matt: Certainly. It is 11am. And would I be correct in assuming that your accent is Malawian?
POP: That is correct. I am from Malawi.
Matt:  I have a keen interest in Malawian history.
POP: Yes, it’s true. My country has a very interesting history.  Thank you for the time.
Matt: No problem. I am glad to provide you with the time.
Pop: Thank you
Matt: Thank you
(This continues)